


There had to be a reason.

by ArtyMissK



Category: The Hobbit All Media Types
Genre: Although no ones does that in this story, Crack, Gen, If you read between the lines, M/M, Multi, Other, Slight Pairings, Smoking, Smoking to get high, gen - Freeform, hair cutting, hobbit kink
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-09
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-02-20 13:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2430332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtyMissK/pseuds/ArtyMissK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s a reason dwarves grow their hair long and it not the reason you’d think, its because if you smoke a dwarf's beard, you get high. Like, REALLY high.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There had to be a reason.

**Author's Note:**

> Standard disclosures apply, I own neither the Hobbit or LOTR. ☹ (Well except a rather nerdy collection of the books and movies!)

“Well, lads there’s only one thing for it.” announces Balin. The dwarves of Erebor are many things, they are brave, loyal, willing to follow their King halfway across Middle Earth and currently they are for one, skint broke.

 

“Right Bofur, give us your hat.” continues Thorin, motioning the company to gather in a circle.

 

“What’s going on?” asks Bilbo ever so slightly confused.

 

“Balin you have the papers.” Thorin continues, as if Bilbo hadn’t spoken. Balin reaches into his pocket and produces a small (and well used) leather envelope-looking purse, which is filled with thick parchment, each piece has the name of a member of the company on it (well, all except Bilbo). Bofur begrudgingly passes his hat to Thorin and Balin slowly reads aloud the name on each piece of card, before folding it and placing it gently into Bofur’s upturned hat.

 

“Now, lads as Kili was last and his beard has yet to re-grow his name will NOT be included in this draw, the same reason is also given to Thorin for he gave his beard the time before that, everyone agreed?” Balin’s announces confidently to the (slightly nervous) darrow before him.

 

Bilbo can’t help but ask (louder this time!) “What’s going on?” although he is still ignored.

 

“One name will be drawn from this hat, and the darrow named will give his beard for the cause. Kili as you were the last, you can pick the next.” Balin announces solemnly. Kili reaches toward the hat to pick out one piece of paper.

 

“Wait, wait, wait,” interrupts Bilbo finally being listened to “Several of you have told me time and again that your hair is considered your pride and that it is shameful to cut it!” Bilbo having finished, takes a deep breath to steady himself.

 

“No…Bilbo lad, that’s just a tale we tell outsiders, now please we are strapped for time as it is.” Balin responds before Thorin has a chance, taking the hint Bilbo sits quietly and watches the darrow before him with rapt attention.

 

Balin nods for Kili to continue and extends the hat for Kili to reach in and choose a name, putting on his best ‘prince’ voice he speaks out loud and clearly. “Nori, its your turn.” Before sagging in relief - as if his words were heavy.

 

“Why me? Why not Dwalin? or you ‘fraid to do it!” the dwarf shouts in shock, while Dori cuddles Ori close - the older fretting and the younger close to tears.

 

“You know the rules, we all agreed ‘em in the contract!” Dwalin bristles already reaching for his axes “Respect ‘em rules or I’ll take it all!” he continues causing Nori to start unwillingly undoing his middle beard braid – but not without voicing his unhappiness.

 

The relief amongst the darrow before Bilbo is palpable, well all except Nori of course. Some of them continue with their previous jobs, Bombur returns to his place by the fire, finishing the stew for the nights dinner. Bofur and Bifur both set about finishing some small-ish looking pipes that they have been working on, apparently to sell when the company stops in the next village.

 

Oin has fallen asleep were he sits and Fili has started trying to comfort Kili while the remaining darrow stay resolutely still, apparently waiting for something else to happen.

 

“What’s going on?” Bilbo (yet again) voices his total confusion about the whole situation. “Will someone please tell me what’s going on?”

 

“Lad, there’s a reason we darrow grow our hair so long…when rolled or cut finely and smoked, our hair has a pleasant effect on the mind.” Balin answers smoothly.

 

“You sell and smoke your hair!” Bilbo does a poor job at hiding his disbelief/shock/disgust.

 

“Aye, the men pay huge amounts for what they call a Ci-gar.”

 

“Ci-gar?”

 

“Its probably elvish.” grumbles Nori still untying his beard.

 

“When did you realise that you could smoke your hair?” voices Bilbo to no one in particular.

 

Thorin stares broodingly off into the middle distance before solemnly answering. “When Smaug attacked, many beards were singed by the dragons fire,  it was a wholly…”

 

“Do you sell it often?” Bilbo interrupts mainly for fear that he will laugh and really, having only just got into Thorin’s good-books (among other things) it seemed stupid to upset the proverbial apple-cart with his giggles.

 

“Well s’not like it grows back over night!” cries Nori indignantly.

 

“That doesn’t answer my question.” points out Bilbo.

 

“Not, so often as so it doesn’t get a chance to grow back of course,” answers Balin pausing momentarily “Many darrow start a pool, as we have, so no darrow must offer his services twice in a row. Thorin gave his beard a year ago and Kili not a month before the quest began.” he finishes.

 

By now Nori has finished with his beard, which when un-braided rests well below his knees. “Jus’ got it looking perfect too, what dam’s gonna want me now!”

 

“Non-sense brother, utter non-sense.” his elder brother responds, unshed tears glistening in his eyes. Slowly and carefully with shaking hands Dori takes a sharp pair of scissors to his brothers beard.

 

“I aint having you cut my beard wit’ yer ‘ands shaking like that!” says Nori bunching his beard into his hands protectively.

 

“They aren’t shaking, its you, you’re nervous!” cries Dori in response.

 

“I’ll do it.” says Ori quietly form his place beside Dwalin. He takes the scissors from his elder brother and gently cuts Nori’s beard to shoulder length so he can still braid it a little, before handing the hair and scissors directly to Balin.

 

Bilbo watches in unabashed fascination as Balin and Gloin set about rolling Nori’s hair to make the Ci-gar’s and cutting it finely enough to smoke in a pipe, _its probably why Bifur and Bofur have set about making those pipes_ Bilbo thinks to himself.

 

“Does it work on dwarves?” Bilbo asks honestly interested.

 

“Course it does.” is the chorused reply.

 

“Can I try some?” he asks innocently.

 

“Hey that’s my beard, no ones gonna smoke it ‘less they paid for it!” sounds an indignant shout from Nori.

 


	2. Emergency Escape Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a reason dwarves grow their hair long and it not the reason you’d think, its because if you smoke a dwarf's beard, you get high. Like, REALLY high. 
> 
> Bilbo uses this knowledge to help the dwarves escape from Mirkwood.

Everything was great, it was fantastic in fact it was amazing. Well, actually if Bilbo was honest it could’ve probably been better. His The dwarves were stuck in various prisons cells belonging to a blonde, vain, self-conceited - nope he’s doing it again getting himself all worked up. But after having wandered for however long they had been wandering through the forest of Mirkwood before the incident and then being caught by them, Bilbo thinks he’s allowed to be somewhat upset.

What’s more there was no chance of escape, the quest was over. 

And he hadn’t had a single chance to smoke any Ci-gar’s not even a whiff.

“Elros, we expect a new shipment of wine from Laketown be sure it is properly sorted before Mereth-en-Gilith begins.” says the pretty red haired guard captain, Bilbo recognizes her as the one who fussed over Kili. 

Mereth-en-Gilith thinks Bilbo desperately hoping that it’s a party of some sort. Having a thought to really get the elves in a good mood Bilbo makes his way back to the dungeons.

~

“Its ridiculous.”

“It’ll never work.”

“Yes, it will you. Just. Have. To. Trust. Me.” says Bilbo slowly before looking toward to Thorin for assistance…nope nothing. 

Maybe Balin, yes that’s better. “Its worth a shot lads, if it gets us out.” the old dwarf agrees.

“Aye out, and if, if it works what do we do then?” questions Dwalin, (in his oh-so-unhelpful way.)

“I’ve got it under control.” lies answers Bilbo smoothly.

In the end it was Bombur who was ‘chosen’ to give up his goods for the greater need of the quest, although it had more to do with the fact that next to Nori, Bombur had the most, possibly even more. (Seriously, when his beard is unbraided it’s twice as tall as him!)

Bilbo cuts the long red strands into more manageable amounts “Right, I wont be long.” he says before standing.

“Bilbo lad, I don’t need to have to how potent that amount would be. You need to light it and move as fast as you can.” Balin warns.

“I will.”

Sneaking past the already ready quite drunk elves was actually easier than he had expected, he’d even managed to steal the keys from the sarcastic elf who kept waving them in front of the dwarves and saying how he was in charge of them. Following the sounds of festivities Bilbo reaches the main hall and he places the hair near the entrance, unwilling to spook the elves with small amounts of hair appearing throughout the room by magic. 

Stealing a nearby candle Bilbo lights the hair and quickly backs away, as much as he would like to stay and party with the elves, he would also quite like to escape. Besides going back to Thorin in a day or two really wouldn’t do their relationship much good. Satisfied that the elves aren’t going to panic Bilbo heads back to the dungeons before the smoke can reach him.

“Where have you been?” loudly whispers Thorin, sounding too grumpy for his own good.

“Well I had to make sure that the elves did fight it didn’t I!” Bilbo almost shouts back in reply, already starting to unlock the prison doors.

Balin chuckles “Lad, no elf has ever been able to withstand the effects of dwarf-beard.”

Pausing in his efforts Bilbo questions “But you said the effects weren’t discovered until Smaug came.”

“It’s true, as soon as the elves got within one hundred feet of the mountain, they were over come by the smell of singed beards and they could give no help.” Balin recalls the pain filled memory and Bilbo tries not to picture the sight of a euphoric elvish army trying and failing to take on a dragon and hazily camping out to watch the destruction.

“No, they just uselessly lay about on the floor while we lost our homeland,” Thorin pauses “and our beards.” 

So that’s where the animosity between the two races stems from? Bilbo wonders, privately of course.

“Are you going to get dress again?” Bilbo asks out of pure curiosity once all of the doors are finally unlocked - the dwarves for some unknown reason have stripped down to all but their smalls.

“We’ll travel lighter this way.” Thorin says stomping past Bilbo (there must be some sort of warped logic in the somewhere.)

“Where to next Bilbo?” asks Bofur, cheery even when wandering an elvish prison in his undies.

“Follow me…quietly.”

“Are there any other guards? asks Dwalin, hearing the echoes of a great feast in the distance.

“No they’re all at the party.” with the amount of hair they’ll be catatonic come sunrise. 

Once they reach the escape room (well that’s what Bilbo has taken to calling it) he realizes that there are two more elves, the sarcastic one he stole the keys from and the unhappy/alcoholic one who safeguards the wine, thankfully they are both unconscious, judging by the empty bottles surrounding them the unhappy one takes guarding the wine very seriously.

“We’re in the cellars?!” says Kili “The cellars!” although Bilbo isn’t sure if Kili’s making an observation or asking a question, so he ignores him.

“Get an eye ‘f all that booze.” Nori says in awe.

“Right now into the barrels.” Bilbo motions for the dwarves to move…none of them do, in fact they just stand and stare at Bilbo as if he’s covered in himself in jam.

Signing in defeat Bilbo turns to Thorin with his best puppy eyes “Please Thorin, I know this will work.”

“Do as he says.” Thorin never had been able to resist puppy eyes, even with all the practice he’d had from the boys.

The other dwarves slowly and begrudgingly clamber into various barrels, “Oooh! it smells nice, fruity, must be red.” says Dori.

“Mines like apples, APPLES!” cries Fili.

“Oi! Bilbo, where you gonna go?” shouts Nori and really they’re supposed to quiet.

Oh, he miss counted, well actually, Bilbo had counted perfectly he just forgot to include himself. 

“In a minute…ready.” Bilbo continues waving off Nori’s question.

“Why what now?” asks Bofur, clearly confused.

“Hold your breath.”

Releasing the lever that holds the hatch shut, the barrels and their unwilling loads drop heavily into the water below. 

“Come Tauriel, father wont mind.” hearing the drunk giggles of two or so elves, Bilbo prepares to meet the water and calmly walks to the end of the platform dropping feet first into the river before the elves even notice him.

“Well done master burglar!” beams Thorin when the Halfling resurfaces, before Bilbo finds himself forcibly lifted by from the water by Dori and deposited into Ori’s barrel.

Amazing really, they quite gently float down the river leaving the inebriated elven kingdom of Mirkwood behind them.

And if Bilbo had kept a handful of Bombur’s beard to smoke when they were once more safe, no one else needed to know…besides planning and executing an escape for thirteen Darrow was exhausting so he reasoned a treat was in order.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, well (looks about sheepishly) it’s out there now. ☺ 
> 
> As usual just to let you know I’ve got a fan based tumblr…if you want to check it out it’s: www.durinsmistress.tumblr.com


End file.
